Observations: Honesty

In my (not so) honest Opinion…

Initial Observations: Honesty

I sat nervously, feeling my heart pound as I crossed my fingers for my friend to finish her presentation. There were occasional mistakes but my friend’s presentation went smoothly. I was glad that she had braved through the mind-numbing borderline heart-attack ritual of speaking to the class and clapped as she sat next to me. I told her she did well with a few others agreeing, I was about to turn my attention back to the board when she asks me, “Honest opinion, how did I do?”

Being the straightforward person I was, I told her the truth. “You made a few mistakes, but overall good.” My meaning basically was, everyone makes mistakes, nothing is perfect, and you did really great. You were brave and presented everything in a decent orderly fashion. It’s a compliment indeed, after all I did not even have the guts myself to do the presentation just yet. However instead Nina grumbles,

“I understand what you mean.” The tone of voice was sharp and almost cutting and filled with annoyance (and no I am not being paranoid because she had her grumpy voice on).

Wait what? I suddenly get the feeling, I’m the bad guy. I understand she’s stressed and feeling a bit self-conscious but I still felt kind of hurt.  Did I say something wrong, why did she make such a comment? I knew for sure that she doesn’t understand what I meant.

Bad Reactions to Honesty:

So breaking out of narrative here, I actually really dislike it when people ask for “Honest” opinions and not actually meaning it. Here is my analysis when people ask for such opinions:

-Just tell me I did well, I don’t care if it’s a lie! (But if you tell me it’s good I’m tell you you’re lying and I will not believe you anyways.)

-If you give me the honest opinion (which is obviously “bad” opinion), I’ll get mad at you because it’s not what I want to hear.

Right and wrong are determined by people’s point of view and their values. There is never truly a right and wrong, only how we perceive it.

Most of the times when giving advice and opinions, people will hear what they want to hear.

-If the person giving the honest opinion doesn’t sugar coat their words or purposely make it sound “less offensive” (in all actuality it may not be offensive, it’s the person feeling sensitive about the topic that turns the harmless comment into something else), even then they may misunderstand and get pissed off anyways.

I don’t see the point of people ever asking for “honest opinions”, why don’t you just ask them to compliment and lie to you. The person asking for “honesty” is practicing dishonesty themselves. Quite frankly sometimes I find it rather pressuring when people ask me what I think because I already know they have an answer.

It’s like girls asking whether they look fat their dress to their boyfriend; truth is:

-your guy probably doesn’t care

-he’s too afraid to say the truth because you’ll stop having sex with him until you lose weight

-you’re not fat and it’s getting annoying that you’re even asking.

I know we all want reassurance, but when it becomes a routine them it’s something else. I totally get it if you’re worried you look fat in a dress you’re going to wear to a first date, but if you comment on it every day, please no.

Back to analysis of my friend, she was probably just feeling sensitive and perhaps a little insecure. Everyone feels that way at some point in their lives. Hell I’d be insecure if I messed up in front of so many people for a presentation.

However due to her reaction I feel bad for giving my genuine observation and thoughts to her. I felt bad at first but I took a step back and I actually thought, hey maybe this isn’t my fault!

Actually I would’ve probably lied if it was anyone else, but it was my friend so I decided to give a true part of me to her. I feel tired that I have to explain to her that what I did was no harm. Maybe my honest opinion was too harsh, but hey sometimes we need that verdict that can give us that definite trustful answer.

The value of Honesty and losing it

It makes it hard for people to be truly honest with you if you practice the bad habit of saying one thing and meaning the other. Perhaps they’ll be afraid to be truly vocal on things of you. Sometimes it’s good to not let the haters faze you, but the people who truly care for you and are trying to point out the things that help you may back away as well.

The only person that is losing out is you.

I just want to say once again, please be careful when asking for honesty. People may be reluctant to truly be open with you if you go against your words of wanting honesty.  All I know is that from now on I’ll be careful on what to say around my friend. Is that what we want, a relationship of hide and seek?

Sometimes it takes the true friend to point out your flaws. Not because they want to hurt you, but because they want to help you develop and grow. Don’t scare those people away.

I have not been fortunate enough to find someone I can truly be honest to. Sometimes even when my family say hurtful things to me, they’re being real; it’s a harshness I don’t experience with friends. To me it seems that even close friends we hold back and not say what we truly feel because we’re afraid to hurt them. I mean my brother comes out and says “YOU STINK” without remorse. THANK YOU, now I can go and shower up! Friends may awkward bring it up or just let it pass, thanks for letting me not stink up that cute guy over there!

I actually like being honest, but sadly only a few people actually like honesty. People say “I want my friends/boyfriend to be honest.” And maybe they actually do, but unconsciously their actions may be pushing them away.

(ok I don’t literally stink, but that’s an easy simple example. I do groom myself people! I mean I know I don’t smell the best 
after a long workout, but then I shower. Ok now that that is clear, let us move on!)

However I do believe there are people who can take honesty and give honesty. I may not have encountered them now, but in the future, yes (hopefully)!

Asking for and Accepting Honesty

Don’t ask for honesty when you don’t mean it, because then you don’t deserve it.

For the people who want to experience true honesty, I have a few guidelines (FYI, this isn’t the way to do it. Everyone has their own style, and here’s mine.)

-Honesty is a valuable thing. Don’t spend it on the things that don’t matter.

If you throw around the word “honest” too often without true meaning behind it, the word will lose meaning. Only ask for honest opinions if you truly wish get one. If you do so, people will respect and listen when you ask for it.

-People may not always say what you want

That’s life, and the reason why you’re asking for it is because you need a true answer, and the answer you seek may not be the answer you want.

-Sometime Honesty will hurt you (so be careful of who you trust!)

Just make sure to not let it bring you down. It’s supposed to help you not make you sad! And of course there will be people who make fake accusations or mean comment to bring you down; don’t mind those people.

Also opening up to being who are open-minded and kind are a better choice than just anyone you see in the hallways.

Remember keeping yourself open minded and willing to hear other people’s opinions will let you gain more knowledge and people will truly want to open up to you.

Constructive feedback

Really I’m not the kind of person who purposely tries to hurt someone. Even when giving honest opinions I will try to tone it down, because people get insecure too. I like to balance things out as well. As opposed to saying “Wow your art sucks”, I’ll say “The shading is done nicely but the colours really don’t complement each other well.”

There is a difference between “It sucks” and giving constructive feedback. Saying simply “It sucks” means you haven’t truly looked into someone to find the good and bad. I am a firm believer that there is always good in the bad and bad in good.

-Honesty is important!

Honesty=trust, to those who can take the truth. Lying could lead to worse things that just a short fight, it could lead to broken relationship if it is serious enough.

-Consider their feelings

Everyone is different and everyone will take comments differently. If the person is shy or sensitive, be sure to tone things down a bit. Everyone has their insecurities and their own personality, so find the right way to tell someone the truth.

-Environment

Perhaps it isn’t such a good idea to yell out an embarrassing opinion in front of the class. Maybe tell them to wait a bit, find time one on one or somewhere no one can hear.

-Being Honest will be tough!

Not everyone will agree with your point of view and it may result in someone disliking you. It’s worth the risk on certain things! (Some people may not believe you even! Move on, your duty is done for them, in the end they are the ones who make the final decision.)

Overall, don’t be rude!

Tip: If you constantly have to deal with people who ask for honesty but don’t mean it, just ask them next time if they truly want honesty, if now tell them not to waste your time. That is that.

If you spend time thinking of their situation and truly putting your thoughts into it (Honesty is meant to be genuine, not a weapon) then people will value the things you say. And the truth is not everyone will agree with what you say but they will respect you for truly putting in a well-thought opinion. However the people who don’t take it seriously, just leave them be, their loss!

Dealing with bad criticism

There will be people who try to bring you down, and you need to differentiate between someone being plain mean or someone who’s simply trying to help.

We know ourselves the best and we may not know it. Deep down we know the answer but we just want it confirmed. The next time someone makes a mean comment, stop and think, is it true?

Don’t let other people’s words faze you! People will judge you no matter what you do, so who give a flying crap about what they think?

I feel that there is no need to ask for reassurance (on certain things). What I mean by that is who cares what people think of your outfit? If you like it, wear it! Of course sometimes it’s good to listen to people’s thoughts. It’s really up to you on how to differentiate what important to tune into and what to just send to the trash file.

Also when we rely too much on people’s comments we start losing our sense of self. Do we need to have someone else approval?

I’m insecure too

Instead of pointing fingers at just other people, heck I need to do some self-reflection! Perhaps I should learn how to phrase my comments better so it won’t be taken the wrong way. Tedious work yea, but hey, it is better than losing a friend!

I mean I’m insecure about my “fat thighs”. It crazy though I see girls just gather up and talk about how fat they are or how ugly they are (honestly all of them really aren’t ugly IMO). But we see so many flaws in ourselves! Why? I mean I feel insecure but I honestly I don’t see the need to discuss it with people. Not because I’m scared to talk about it but I just find that there is no need. Will complaining change anything? These whine fests are just a way to make us not feel so alone, that we’re not the only imperfect ones and hell that girl has a worse haircut than me. It isn’t about putting down others to feel better, it’s not able comparing, and it’s about knowing no one is perfect. Talking about it on the other hand does help. To actively encourage one another and to actively go out and make a change! Complaining about your weight won’t change it; however talking about it with someone who may be in the situation (or someone supportive) can push you into a plan that makes change! I mean know of Spark life is where girls come together and join groups to lose weight together. There is strength in numbers! They’re encouraging one another and best of all they’re no alone!

Whining no, talking and making change, yes!

Sometimes I wish I could be those people who just say what’s on their mind. To be honest I’ve heard pretty sensitive topics being poked by these people. I have had my share of things being poked by them. However I do not mind, because their words are real, and they’re true. When I want honesty I mean it. But the important thing is don’t be rude and be honest to yourself and others!

I think in conclusion it all comes down to the fact that deep down inside, even despite the strong exterior we put up; we just want reassurance and love. However there are certain ways to go about it and not indulge in self-hate.